Tenafly Guy

You don't know Jack Hexum!

The Great AM LA Breakfast Experiment!


Jack was invited to the AM LA show to cook a Burbank Bachelor's breakfast for the viewers.  Now, in watching him put that outrageous concoction together, how many of you watched and went, "Ew."  Or, like I did, "Ewwwwww!"  Jack, what were you thinking?  Did you really cook this way?  Or was it a joke?  I can't quite figure out which it was, but man, this looked bad.  You can really see why he needed a special someone to make something a bit more elaborate for our hunk to start his day. 

Wait. I volunteer!  *raises hand*

I make a pretty mean Bananas Foster Belgium Waffle that I bet Jack would've loved (and mine SERIOUSLY look better than this!) 

Now this was a growing boy, a weightlifter, so he'd need calories, for sure.  Homemade French vanilla whipped cream on top of the bananas.  Bacon AND sausage.  Fresh squeezed orange juice, and just because he needs more protein, a mess of eggs, probably 3-4.  I'd say he loved scrambled, but none of that processed cheese crap.  We'd have regular grated cheese on them, I think a 3 cheese combo would be good, and maybe some fresh homemade salsa. 

I bet he was a coffee drinker, so we'd have to go for some kind of fancy French Roast or something.  Served on nice china, with crystal stemware for the juice. None of that paper plate crap, for sure.  A red rose for romance, and you'd have to serve it to him on a tray in bed. *sigh* 

Wait.  Where was I?  My mind just fell right into the gutter following that train of thought.  Ah well, lets move on.  LOL! 


My son Billy watched this video with me, and after laughing at Jack's antics, he decided we needed to cook this.  Dear God, you have to be kidding, right?  I tried to discourage him, but you know how teenagers are, they're pretty strong willed.  I always say raising a teenager is like nailing Jello to a tree, so there you have it!  But he really wanted to try it, so we dove in, headfirst.  And I have to admit, I was surprised at the results.  We took plenty of pics for the website, so you can see what we did.  And ignore my poor kitchen that could use a serious upgrade. LOL!

Billy and I were all over the grocery store, trying to find the ingredients, and some are no longer available, so we had to make substitutions.  Sizzlelean is no longer available, so we substituted turkey bacon.  We were shocked that they still make Steak-Umms, I had no idea.  There were 16 to a box, so I wasn't too encouraged that they'd be good.  But keep in mind that I'm a foodie, I grind my own hamburger, dry and grind my own spices, and have a 3 inch binder bursting at the seams with recipes that I use regularly.  Steak-Umms looked pretty scary to me. 

The other thing they don't make anymore is that onion and chive squirt cheese, at least not that we could find.  So we bought the Kraft easy cheese, in sharp cheddar, thinking that since Jack didn't put any spices in the eggs, we may need the extra flavor.  We also bought bottles of dried chives and onion bits.  When we did the experiment, it was near Halloween, the perfect time to find Count Chocula, since now it's considered a seasonal cereal only.  At least in Reno.  Here is a picture of everything we bought:

I made the mistake of buying generic instant mashed potatoes, thinking Jack would go for the non-expensive stuff, forgetting that they used Hungry Jack on the show.  But I doubt very seriously that would make a difference in taste. 



Notice, we do have Jack's brand of Breakfast Ding Dongs!  


(Okay, it was regular Ding Dongs spruced up with a Sharpie pen.  LOL!)




These are the spices/additives we used:



We wanted to be as authentic as possible, so Billy used a fork to stir the Tang, and added Perrier: 






                             It fizzes!!





We have to make the mashed potatoes with Perrier, which I really don't get.  What's up with that?  Is water in Burbank so bad that he had to use Perrier instead of tap water?  We know it wasn't a snob thing, Jack wasn't one to put on airs.  So this one stumps me, but here it is anyhow. 




Turkey bacon on the griddle.  It looked fake, and Billy said it smelled like bologna.  Yes, it did.  Eww.



And the Steak-umms.  They were paper thin.  Okay, now I'm skeered.  This does NOT look promising.

 Did you notice that Jack didn't use any seasoning on it?  Ugh.  So we cooked it without anything on it, just like he did.  Again, EWW!

Next pouring in the carton of eggs, so we don't waste time cracking them, or getting shells in our eggs (really Jack?  It's that hard cracking an egg?)


Measuring out the onions, and shaking in bacon bits (we did use real bacon bits, not the crunchy doggie kibble fake bits).










I'm sorry to be so crude, but does this look like the contents of a technicolor yawn to you?




Adding in the cheese. I'm sorry, squirt cheese goes on generic Ritz crackers, when you need a late night snack after a night of partying hearty or something. Midnight munchies. In college.  It does NOT belong in eggs.





This is just wrong, on so many levels. At first it wouldn't melt, and I was afraid we'd have this gelatinous mess in our eggs.  Eventually, though, it finally DID melt.  Barely. 

Now came the stuff that was actually edible. Count Chocula!  We decided on a Disney bowl, since we know Jack loved Disneyland.  Somehow I can see him as someone that watched cartoons.



Don't forget the sugar on the cereal, poured from our uber cool Daffy's Diner sugar dispenser.








Jack didn't serve the potatoes in the end, so we didn't either, but they looked like normal instant potatoes.





Here is the end result and the butter looks freaky because a teenager did it.  LOL!  No syrup in the picture, Jack forgot the syrup.







Setting it all up, with the Tang, and the Breakfast Ding Dongs.



When they set it up in the end, the toast wasn't included, but we had to try cooking it the way Jack told the host to do it.  And let me tell you, THAT was an interesting experience!



I didn't think the toast would work on my stove, as I have a flat cook surface, but it did.  I speared the toast with a fork like Jack had the host do it.


That didn't last long, the toast started breaking, and damn, the burner made my hand hot.  If I'd been a dude, it would've singed the hair on my knuckles. This was a BAD idea.  Do NOT try this at home, boys and girls.  We're professionals.  Call us the AM Reno Breakfast Mythbusters!


*shameless plug ahead, beware* Of course, you can tell it's fall when we did that, look at that stylin' fall manicure!  If you're ever in Reno, see Robin at Hair Mania II.  She's the best!

I finally resorted to using tongs. This had to be a joke, it's totally not safe. And a toaster doesn't cost much.  If nothing else, use the oven broiler.  Or, go to the camping section of your local Walmart, K-Mmart or Target, Scheels, or Cabelas, and get a campfire toaster rack.  Those are super duper cheap and are much safer than a fork.  If you simply MUST use a fork, get the telescoping marshmallow forks, that way you're at least 3 feet from the burner!  



Here's the final toast, with the squirt margarine, wild pattern courtesy of a teenager!












Now, the reviews.  Actually, believe it or not, the eggs were edible.  I wouldn't make them again, but they weren't horrid.  I can see a bachelor making this.  Surprisingly, you can't tell there is Perrier in the potatoes, they tasted normal.  The steak was awful, as was the turkey bacon.  Tang shouldn't fizz, seriously. 

So for fun, we gave each part a numeric rating.  Max was really afraid to try it, which is surprising, he's got a titanium stomach, and he's one that would compete, AND WIN on Fear Factor. No contest. But he was leery of this. 

 OMG. That's when you know it's bad when you have a man that would willingly eat a cockroach or lizard guts, and he's hesitant to try this breakfast.  That's funny.  That's when you know you need cooking classes, or a personal chef.  Get out of the kitchen now! LOL!

We invited the Dancing With the Stars judges to join us for their reviews, but the oddest thing happened: we got a call from ABC studios saying that they all three came down with some weird mysterious illness, and couldn't make it.  Between you, me and the lamppost, I think they heard what was on the menu and ran screaming for the hills.  That left just Max, Billy and I.
Oh well, that's my job as web mistress here, to take one for the team, for the good of the site.  The trouble is, I don't have Max's titanium gullet, so when this is done, will someone please pass me the Pepto Bismol? Thanks ever so much!
So here goes: 

The eggs:  Max gave them an 8, Billy a 5 (yet he was the one that wanted to make them again, go figure) and I gave them an 8, simply because I was expecting wretched and they weren't.  LOL!

Turkey Bacon:  Max gave it a 5, Billy gave it a 6, and I did a 2. No thanks, I'd rather have the real stuff or forget it.  Like they say on the Internet: Bacon is life.  Period, end of story.

Steak:  Max and Billy gave it a 4, again I did a 2.  Totally tasteless and the texture was bad.  Although since I did this, I have had recipes come in for the Steak-umms.  I can fix them so they're edible.  Or rather not bad, like on a sandwich. No thanks.  I'd rather have a tri tip sandwich. LOL!

Tang:  Max gave it a 4 but said the Perrier messed up the Tang. Billy gave it a 2, and I did a 4.  It was drinkable. 

Potatoes:  Max gave them an 8, Billy a 9, and I did a 9. The only thing better would be real mashed potatoes.  LOL!

Count Chocula:  Max gave it an 8, Billy a 10, and I gave it an 8, simply because, as far as chocolate kid cereals go, I prefer Cocoa Krispies or Cocoa Pebbles. 

And I'm not keen on marshmallows in my cereal, those cereal marshmallows have a consistency that makes them screech across your teeth, reminds me of nails on a chalkboard.  Creepy.


Oh, and you can't taste the sugar on the cereal until you get to the milk at the bottom of the bowl. 

Breakfast Ding Dongs:  We all gave them a 10. Seriously, how can you mess up a Ding Dong?  And to eat them for breakfast, well, that's priceless.  Jack did good there!


So out of a total of 70 points, Max gave the whole thing a 47, Billy a 46 and me a 43.  All we can say was that it was edible, but Jack needs to step it up if he wants to impress anyone.  I can't see any of this romancing a woman, using cooking skills to impress her.  


Psst, Jack, buddy: I have a great idea that doesn't take much cooking, and it will completely impress her:  do a fondue on the coffee table, sitting on pillows, and feed her.  Trust me, it works.  I was totally swept off my feet by a guy with fondue.  See?  He needed someone like me to tell him how it's done!